You may have some questions about this picture. Now, there is (of course) a story behind it and we certainly will get all of it displayed up on the wall- eventually. For right now, I will start off by stating the obvious (that it was not taken near Halloween) and that yes, I really am incredibly pasty without anything other than face-painted kitty features.

The day had started off with every degree of normalcy and scheduled monotony. Workouts, getting Hannah dropped off at her school, Tony’s morning routine, and therapy work. We had already pulled our little man from the developmental preschool at that point for a host of reasons that we don’t really need to go into for this post. I checked my texts to verify whether or not I had received a notification that there was an early release day for Hannah (who was in fourth grade at the time). The school our sweet daughter was attending sent out very helpful morning reminder texts on those early release days, and I noted that I lacked such a message on that particular occasion.

For the most part, Tony had stopped taking naps by that point. However, on the day in question, he actually fell asleep shortly after lunch. I set a timer to make sure we were awake to pick up Hannah on time, and then I gratefully sank into slumber with him.

Having a bladder the size of an acorn, I woke up after about an hour needing to use the bathroom. I decided to pull in our recycle bin off the curb next, and noticed several kids zipping down the street on scooters. My sleep sloshed mind initially thought that maybe they were homeschoolers or playing hooky. Within seconds, however, I noted the number exceeded what I would expect for either situation.

I rushed to my cell phone and called Hannah’s school in a thought crumbling panic. While there had been no text that went out, there had indeed been an early release day and she was already sitting in their office, the pick up time having come and gone several minutes past without my arrival. I immediately woke Tony up and we raced to the car. I wasn’t even slightly soothed to see that other kiddos were experiencing a similar wait- I saw the look on Hannah’s face and it put my heart through a paper shredder and then washed it down the garbage disposal.

If you were to only look at our blog, you might incorrectly view Hannah as a supporting character in our family- a pretty wallflower having a lesser degree of significance and importance because she lacks so many symptoms and labels. And you would be incredibly mistaken.

Out of respect for our daughter’s wishes, I only write about details and post pictures that she feels comfortable with me sharing. She has, therefore, given her permission for what I have written so far, and what I will share in the remainder of the post. I am able to talk about my feelings- you will simply have to speculate about hers… maybe slip into her circumstantial shoes for an imaginary stroll in this event through your own eyes.

This beautiful creature who first taught me a greater definition of love sat mutely as apologies rained hard from my lips. She talked to me about how this mistake felt to her, and I asked what could be done to help mend the wound. She said it would be a great start if she could turn me into a cat for the rest of the day and let her take a picture. I handed over my face painting kit and phone as soon as she asked.

So there I am in a picture that seems to put a playful varnish over a moment of intense sadness and self-reproach, holding my imaginary mug shot number. The tissue clutched in my right hand had been used to wipe tears and boogers off my face so that Hannah could successfully give me the feline treatment. Once upon a time, my cheeks dwelt in perpetual drought. The past few years has turned them into emotional wetlands.

This could be a post about blaming someone else for a text that was never sent. However, doing so ignores several points where I should take responsibility for my own opportunities and failings in this sequence of events. I had access to the school calendar, I could have and should have verified all early release dates and entered them into my phone schedule as needed. I did that for the rest of the year before I bundled myself off to bed that night. I had become lazy, relying on the accuracy of others to help me show up at the appropriate times for one of the most important people in my world.

I should have read the weekly e-mail from her teacher more thoroughly…one of the final lines mentioned the early release. I let the overwhelming nature of my circumstances lead me into sloppiness- I had only scanned the e-mail for necessary homework involvement.

And, recognizing in that moment that all things digital could fail me, I purchased a six month wet erase calendar to make sure that I could emphasize in an eye-catching way any date and time important to Hannah. Now, as Stephanie and Cecy found out this past Monday, that still won’t prevent me from forgetting meetings from time to time (although thankfully we were still at home when they showed up). I don’t outline or emphasize those items the way I do events for Hannah.

Sometimes, I will fail the people in my world. My own weaknesses and imperfections will deliver a let down to those that matter most to me. I will make mistakes. I will occasionally falter, and I will sometimes fall short of everything I want to be. And, I will always wish I hadn’t. But I will get back up time and time again, because I care every day about those I love and about buffing those imperfections into the best version of me possible.

For those of you who know me and who read this blog on a regular basis, you know I am a wordy girl. I could talk your attention span into shattered glass. No eloquence or description of mine accurately conveys how much I love our beautiful Hannah, her importance to me personally and as an amazing member of our family. Her thoughtful and loving heart, her helpful ideas, and her quick wit are part of the sparkle in my world.

Always, my beautiful daughter, will you have my unconditional love and my complete support for your right to live life by the terms you find most meaningful. And, I’m going to keep trying to back that up with that calendar as long as you need me to be any place or time for you.