Because He Doesn’t Trust You

Above, Tony is shown waiting for the school bus. I have picture after picture of him looking worried until it shows up, and then his face just lit up with joy the moment it turned onto our street. Photos by Ariana

Recently we have begun trying to increase Tony’s tolerance of working with others when I am not present in the same room with him in the school environment. Last year he had heavily increased anxiety because of my ongoing medical needs from the spinal chord injury, and he was very rigid about working with anybody except for my lunch break. This is an area where I think many neurotypical people may not have the patience or understanding for why this is a concern for him.

I can explain it quickly: it’s because he doesn’t trust you. Not right away. Not maybe for a while. And at this time, until he feels safe with you, he may not cooperate with you. Safe that you will recognize what he’s actually capable of and not push him too far to the point where he feels unsafe or embarrassed because it’s something he’s not capable of.

The neurotypical mind instinctively recognizes that overall many adults are safe for them to work with and be around and will generalize more readily respect for most adult authority based from whatever respect they had for their parents, early caregivers, or early teachers. The autistic mind may not generalize that way, so finding one adult trust worthy doesn’t mean that Tony will automatically recognize that all of them are. And indeed, he does not.

On March 4th, Tony was doing a joint session with the school speech therapist and occupational therapist. Both of these lovely ladies began working with him at the start of the school year. He went in to the therapy room with them and was super, super safe. I was so proud because sometimes he still won’t generalize safety instructions to others. However, he immediately began refusing to do any tasks for them using his speech device. His speech therapist after several minutes came and got his teacher, with whom Tony has worked for nearly two years now. The goal had been to see if he would perform the tasks for someone he already trusted or was more familiar with, but who wasn’t me.

His teacher went in there and directed him to do the tasks, and he did most of them for her. Because he knows her. Because he trusts her. He recognizes that she realizes that even when the pace he learns at or adjusts to something at seems slower than other kids, he is doing his very best and he will continue to move forward.

He didn’t agree to do every task for her, and he might have for me.

Many people don’t look at this and see wins. But I do. I see a kiddo who three years ago couldn’t be safe for anybody but me, but now can if he has built in familiarity with the environment and at least some of the staff. Three years ago he was afraid of everybody. Now he’s giving staff and other students hugs and we are having to stress to him the importance of asking permission first, a problem I never would have dreamed we’d have his first year there.

Exposure therapy only works if a progression can continue, and it must go at the pace the person experiencing it can tolerate and still feel emotionally safe enough to continue. This is one way Autism and and FASD can present, and when we as a community can show flexibility, small wins build into greater wins over time that allow an individual to successfully integrate into the community who otherwise wouldn’t have been able to.

Like kiddos similar to our son, who was terrified of school when he started nearly three years ago, but now feels safe enough to enjoy going daily because people are recognizing his needs and the pace he’s capable of moving at. A young man who gets excited now to see a school bus, when he was so afraid the first time it showed up it took me more than two minutes to get him to be willing to try and step on.

Progress is progress whatever the size, and we should celebrate it…not stifle it.