A few notes for little moments with big impacts
I do not really know any of the three individuals my gratitude notes are dedicated to this month, though I do pass by a couple of them regularly when we are out doing public therapy. Each of them has shined kindness on our circumstances over the past several weeks as we have worked diligently to help Tony through the side effects and after effects of the Sertraline attempt, and in doing so lit indelible words of gratitude in my heart.
To Sam from our local Bashas, for standing unasked in the path of the automated door to hold it open when Tony was scared to pass near the squealing as it continuously opened and shut on his way to the bathroom, words are not enough. I rendered my thanks in person a couple of weeks ago, and your kind offer issued then to help in any way you could on future visits as long as it didn’t involve running after him became a treasured moment in these past weeks of tumult.
To Miss Cynthia from our local Sprouts, who always kindly stops and talks to Tony, waiting patiently for him to answer before she turns her attention to others. Very few people do that- you are so rare and so special for doing so. Thank you for being patient with him every visit, and especially this last one. We had been doing therapy work beforehand with him at his dentist to prepare for an upcoming visit, and he was not terribly thrilled to be cooperating or talking to anybody. I know we put that patience to the test as we worked with him to repeat the “goodbye” process until it was as calm, orderly, and polite as it should be…thank you for treating him so sweetly through all of that.
To the Kohl’s cashier whose name I was unable to note under the circumstances: thank you for opening a register to check us out during what was probably the worst public melt down (Sertraline induced) Tony has had in a few months. Those shoes I was clutching were for our daughter, Hannah, and I was doing everything I could to get us out of there without leaving her disappointed. I tried to apologize for the disruption, and you kindly brushed it off, assuring me you had a loved one on the Spectrum and fully understood. Thank you for helping me so kindly to keep a promise.
Some Reading and Viewing to Consider
Nonviolent Communication, by Marshall B. Rosenberg PhD
As I have noted previously, I encounter many people who equate communication with the ability to vocalize. And yet, the delivering up of thoughts via the spoken word doesn’t guarantee effective communication. I grew up in a home with communication patterns that were woven by criticism, attacking, blaming, and shaming. I believe this to be an interactive legacy many of us have been culturally handed, and this contributes to difficult, damaged, and sometimes totally destroyed relationships- even when not a single physical punch is thrown.
What the author proposes is a communication style designed to increase our awareness of the shared needs and humanity of those with whom we disagree. This awareness, he contends, will increase feelings of connectedness and cooperation, and therefore the likelihood of reaching resolutions everyone can feel better about. Doing so requires practice in taking responsibility for our own feelings and in carefully empathizing with the underlying unexpressed needs of others when we don’t agree with their initial statements. Something I especially found valuable in this book were his recommendations for extending this process to the ways we interact with ourselves. I know I personally often struggle with being brutal in evaluations of myself in ways I would never consider doing to another.
Nonviolent communication involves sticking with observations over evaluations, expressing ownership of our feelings without putting blame upon the actions of others, communicating our needs, and following this up with what it is we are requesting (not demanding) of others. He also has recommendations for creating an empathetic dialogue even when we have very strong opposition to the views of those with whom we are in dialogue.
What the author recommends is not easy to practice for anyone raised with a different legacy. I certainly don’t think it will allow for a successful resolution of every problem, but I definitely agree that it increases the odds. More importantly, it improves the quality of communication and even when agreements with others can’t be reached, a higher degree of respect certainly can be. This is a book I advise buying over borrowing because the many nuances of his recommendations may take considerable review to assimilate into everyday conversations.
“I grew up in the Westboro Baptist Church. Here’s why I left,” TED talk by Megan Phelps-Roper
This is a powerful talk, and I have personally watched this video a few times. The speaker recounts the role respectful dialogue with others in on-line conversations had in her decision to leave the Westboro Baptist Church, which is a group that has been listed as both a cult and a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center for their extremist positions and practice of picketing events with signs containing highly inflammatory and derogatory messages.
Of this process she says: “we’d started to see each other as human beings, and it changed the way we spoke to one another.” She identifies four components of the way others handled themselves in these interactions that she felt were integral to her ability to hear their message, and I felt that they echo Dr. Rosenberg’s advice. Her list of four was: 1) “don’t assume bad intent,” 2) “ask questions” to understand the other individual’s point of view, 3) “stay calm,” and 4) “make the argument” (or the case) for your own beliefs. She states her opinion that this is very important in our modern conversations, which seem to be increasingly polarized and tribalistic.
I love her ending, and wholeheartedly agree with it: “Each one of us contributes to the communities and the cultures and the societies that we make up. The end of this spiral of rage and blame begins with one person who refuses to indulge these destructive, seductive impulses. We just have to decide that it’s going to start with us.” Every day, I want to be one of those people. Some days I’m not as good as I should be, but I find her message to be inspiring and definitely recommended viewing. You can click on the talk title for a link.
