Originally, I had planned this particular post to come after “Maybe She’s Going Through It.” Then everyone was sick, and I just wasn’t feeling the writing vibe. And then I got carried away in watching my son doing so well with some of his goals the first week we were back at school, and I just wasn’t sure I wanted to take my next post into more negative territory. As I thought about it though, I feel like it is a fine line to walk between toxic positivity and optimism, and I feel strongly that some truths about what the experience can feel like for individuals in a family with an individual who has severe developmental delays, a history of extreme behaviors, or high levels of needed support should be talked about more. I have a lot of hopes, true…but I also have absorbed a lot of hurts.
Recently, in response to a statement I made about how intensely stressful my life has been the past year, a nurse for one of my medical providers said basically well, that’s just life and you have to find a way to deal with it. I want to tread as delicately as I can with this. To be clear before I go any further, I would never want to see this person shamed for having said that, so what I say is more in the spirit of hoping to see my perspective understood. I chat on-line with another blogger whose view is that the toughest thing a person has been through is the toughest thing they’ve been through. And I think that is a lovely and gracious way to interact and think about the struggles of others, because some times the comparison filters between two people just don’t help.
That being said, I’m going to compare within my own life. I used to have what many people considered to be a “normal” high-stress life, more or less, except for the part about how my brother died. Pretty common stress and trauma themes that can be had in this life.
I had no idea, literally no idea how good I had it. None. Zero.
Even when I feel like the need to “go and fix [my] makeup” because other people are telling me that as I cope with my own broken heart moments “don’t matter how you feel, it only matters how you look,” the truth is sometimes like Sia “I may cry ruinin’ my makeup…and I don’t care if I don’t look pretty, big girls cry when their hearts are breaking.”
I now look back on those days with longing for how easy they were in comparison. There’s so much I’ve never written about on this blog because it’s just not in the best interest of one or more of our family members to do so. And even when some people say that they couldn’t be me and do what I do, I wonder if they realize that I feel like I’m living out a whole bunch of moments like it were a songbook of stress, singing with Chloe about how “no matter how many times I break, I put myself back together every damn time…yeah, I make it look easy, but there’s so much I’m needing” as I’m rushing towards a bag of Hershey’s truffles trying not to “loose control,” except unlike Teddy Swims, my codependency for unhealthy stress management has become dark chocolate- though we apparently do share the common ground of having tried everything but therapy (at least for me not in the past 12 years). Literally, for every person who thinks it would help manage all of what’s been going on this past year better, I’ve got this to say:
I. Don’t. Have. Time. My schedule is far too packed, I can’t even get 8 hours of sleep a night.
I’m too busy getting my hands dirty taking care of things that need to be done around the house, or doing therapy as one of Tony’s providers, or working my second job as has one-to-one aid.
And, I’ve been through therapy before for other things. Trust me on this one, even when you know the techniques that can come from therapy, there can be times when it’s just not enough to fix everything that has been going on. Therapy is not a magic wand that will dematerialize the happenings in one’s life, and for some things, I think it’s completely normal for a person to find it stressful and struggle to manage that at times. Those moments can leave me hoping and praying I don’t start feeling like Jelly Roll when he’s singing “I’m so damaged beyond repair, life has shattered my hopes and my dreams.” But like him, people tell me that at my level of stress, “I’ve spent so long living in Hell, they say my lifestyle is bad for my health.”
But I can’t do anything more than I am doing to help or change things. I do what I do because it is the best path towards the light at the end of the tunnel for me and our family.
So to anyone who has maybe felt uncomfortable listening to me mention something stressful, forgive me my leaks. But sometimes, the truth is, there’s just no such thing as emotional Depend (TM Kimberly-Clark) that can soak up my reactions to things that are happening to make sure everyone around me is always comfortable with what they are seeing or hearing. So may I gently recommend to avoid tell someone walking a similar path to mine to “run and hide [their] crazy and start actin’ like a lady.” (a la Miranda Lambert)
Because what they are going through might not be anything like your mama’s stress. Or your stress.
Maybe just give them a hug if you don’t have time to do anything else. Maybe tell them you see them, you see their struggles, and yeah they are tough and anybody would be having a hard time in their shoes. And if you don’t see them and you have time, ask them if there’s anything they’d feel comfortable sharing so that you can see them.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
*P.S. If you’d like a deeper dive into my thoughts and feelings as I wrote this post, and you have the time, may I recommend listening to the songs I listed or looking up their lyrics. The full list is as follows:
“Make it Look Easy,” by Chloe
“Lose Control,” by Teddy Swims from his Album I’ve Tried Everything But Therapy (Part 1)
“Save Me,” by Jelly Roll with Lainey Wilson
“Mama’s Broken Heart,” by Miranda Lambert
“Big Girls Cry,” by Sia
Thank you for this thoughtful, sensitive (to others) discussion of that huge gap between the 24hr experience of trying to balance being s mother of s child or children with profoundly different needs, sensitivities and behaviours…and those also shifting as the child reaches puberty AND running a home, working, negotiating with healthcare and education providers, form filling, long phone searches trying to find suitable carers who are free at the times your child needs that support, wondering if you can get round the supermarket fast, without your child running off and risking heading past those doors into the dark and busy car park. And the times when you get Civid or a cold, or hit the menopause…and the well meaning voice says! therapy will help, or try tibetan gongs, or massage, or…
My daughter is now 12 years into her journey with twin sons one of whom has autism and developmental, learning and physical challenges, and the other who is bright, artistic, funny, verbally quicksilver but with difficulties in managing reading and writing. And oh the courage every day takes. So a big salute to the quiet courage of every parent who after years of limited sleep, still does battle for their children every day…and stays as sane, grounded and generous in judgement as you are. What a star. All power to you and the many parents nurturing children with ‘different’ needs.
And I thank you for your kind and thoughtful words of encouragement. Sending virtual hugs and positive vibes your daughter’s way, and the way of anyone on a similar path. I think it’s something other people don’t see even, they get lost in the details of what little they see a mom doing for a kiddo with significant needs and think that is it. But as you said, it’s so much more, every other difficult thing life can throw at a person for every member of the family can still be going on at the same time, and a mother can have to dig deep to find what it takes to care for a child who is self-injuring for several hours a day and maybe care for a terminally ill loved one at the same time, or fill in the blank for any other stressful life theme and happening…all at the same time that parent is negotiating with funding sources or trying to navigate situations that may arise with therapy for any reason. I almost included the song “Everybody Wants You” because pretty much every therapist used to need my help when Tony was a two person job for everybody in therapy, but only the title fit and not the lyrics, lol. It is what is. Thank you again for seeing my experience and being gentle and kind with it. Sending much love your way, <3 Ari