This week, our story drops through the words of two songs of the same title, spliced and stitched together to help me animate the remaining fragments of my scattered thoughts. My moments this past week have been filled and stretched to the point where my own artistry just may not be enough to bring this post to life in a timely manner otherwise.
“Wise man said just walk this way…In the eye of the storm, Seek the roses along the way, Just beware of the thorns…Will you send me an angel?” (Scorpions, Send Me an Angel) We’ve encountered the kind of thorns that have people seeking for any kind of salvation. “It gets in your eyes, It’s making you cry, Don’t know what to do, Don’t know what to do…Send me an angel…right now.” (Real Life, Send Me an Angel)
In the age of modern pharmaceuticals, people often expect the answer to most problems can be found falling from the lips of a downward tipped pill bottle. Tony’s one anxious kiddo…everybody knows it. And yes, they make pills for that. But, most of them aren’t considered safe to be used in a child of his age…and the ones that are can have lasting effects on the developing neurology of a child or have side effects far worse than the original symptoms.
Having a genetic disorder that comes with accelerated growth (Sotos Syndrome), means that our son is also larger than most children his age. This naturally is becoming more of a concern the bigger he gets as so many of his behaviors are related to his fears. So, at last month’s quarterly visit with his developmental pediatrician, she recommended trying one of the two medications that are approved to treat anxiety at his age.
Now, there are some bigger risks that could come with these medications for him…I have long known this and have wished to delay trying them as long as possible for this reason. In agreeing to try them, I was feeling the bite of the thorns created by his growth and hoping to make things easier for everyone in our quest to help Tony gain skills.
The first day on the new medication, he gave an employee a hug at the front of a local Walmart. Emily and I were stunned- our little man is not usually the hugging kind even with people he knows very well. This evolved quickly into days of increasing crankiness and decreased appetite. As his eating normalized over the next week, we noticed a significant spike in his hyperactivity, decreased impulse control (Heaven help us, we certainly don’t need any less of that), and a shorter emotional fuse that mutated quickly into escalating aggression.
By Wednesday he was so combative at the onset of a community safety walk, someone from the neighborhood with a stroller stalled out on the other side of the street, staring and anxious for several minutes, punctuating her concerns with very audible “Oh my Gods” as I tried to calm Tony down and keep him from shoving past me into driving cars. Let’s just say that entire day was pretty rough…our son ended up unscathed, I am nursing some minor abrasions and a few more bruises.
I left Dr. D a voice message the very next morning. For any list of precautions the pharmacy sends out, pay special attention to that portion that says not all side effects may be on it. Further research can often give you a bigger list, and for our little man, some of what he was experiencing (such as the aggression) are less common but still documented side effects for this medication. There are still others not included in the two screenshots I have posted below…these just show the additional ones Tony was experiencing that are not on the original pharmacy handout. Some side effects can be difficult to determine for a younger non-verbal child. For example, we have no way of knowing for sure whether or not he was experiencing the headaches that indicate more serious concerns…so behavior dramatically outside of the norm often has to be a guide.
Sometimes, you have to “just believe in yourself, hear this voice from deep inside…” (Scorpions) As the mother of this special little guy, I new from his behavior alone something was feeling very wrong on the inside for him and felt very confident in communicating to his doctor that this medication needed to be discontinued for him ASAP. Everyone who works with our son on a regular basis agrees- he’s generally not aggressive. Reduced impulse control paired with violent reactions are far nastier thorns to tangle with than his anxiety.
As I sit typing this, for the first day in a couple of weeks our little man is calmer. Happier. Requesting tickles and to be chased from Emily. He’s not lifted his hand towards himself or anyone else all day. Let’s be honest: we need all the help we can get. But for his anxiety, we know our angel wasn’t to be found in that particular bottle. Sometimes, no matter how badly you think you may need it, there’s no such thing as medication salvation.
“But don’t give up, Don’t give up.” (Real Life) And we won’t.
