On A Personal Note

Hi, my name is Ariana Thude, and I am likely an undiagnosed Aspie. I probably also have undiagnosed ADHD, which has been masked by a combination of things throughout the years, including copious amounts of caffeine and higher levels of exercise. I have had signs and symptoms for both my whole life, they have just never been confirmed by a medical provider. I grew up in a home where abuse and neglect were themes I’d rather not discuss in this post, but that, my academic skill set, and a combination of how well my conditions were masked allowed me to fly through to adulthood without receiving any sort of diagnosis or even concern one was needed.

The first time I realized Autism was a possibility in our family was when I was watching my beautiful daughter Hannah (who is officially diagnosed at this point) flap, toe walk, and be hyper verbal before age three…traits that I myself did not possess to that degree as a child. Her story is not something I speak much about here to respect her wishes, though she has given me permission to say that much.

I didn’t really connect the dots on my own childhood and conditions until I was going through the evaluation paperwork for Tony’s first consultation with Dr. Kessler.

I chose to remain undiagnosed because I felt confident that the needs of my child would require a high level of advocation to get his needs met, and I was concerned that my having those conditions known or be public could change the perception of critical stakeholders about my ability to adequately and competently speak to the needs of my child. The truth is, Tony and I are more alike than most people have ever realized, though his needs are more extensive. My awareness of those similarities from my own unique perspective has been a guiding force behind some of the times I recommended something different from one of his therapy providers. And I also must acknowledge that some of my strategies that I used for my own therapy work were Divinely Inspired. And I’m grateful for those inspirations.

Now, our son is in school and doing better and better every day. Before I say another word about myself, I want to acknowledge the contributions of others that have led to this. First, and foremost, Andy whose support has been more significant in areas outside of therapy, and I have failed to acknowledge it as often as I should, which I deeply regret, but that support made everything I have done possible. Andy, thank you for all of the things you have done to love and support our family <3 I am grateful for your service to us.

I also need to acknowledge that to help Tony I have used ideas from books I have read, plus implemented the strategies of therapists like Whitney, Emily, our former ABA providers, his current ABA providers, Amara, Justine, Jenny, Suzanne and the entire past/present NMTSA team, every therapist, every case manager, last year’s educational team, the IEP team, his educational advocate, and support services coordinator who has worked with our family.

For me, I was not interested in masking or passing. I was interested in protecting and helping my child. And I think that for me to have felt the pressure that my ideas or my words or my voice might be discounted in a way that could harm his opportunity to access the level of support he requires says something I would want others to think about as regards to how much the conversation about Autism needs to change. I started writing here because I could see that a conversation about individuals with the level of need Tony has was important to start. He’s accomplished so much more than some thought he could, and it is my intention that others can look at that and see more hope for a wider array of people.

What I needed to feel safe enough to talk about all of this was Tony doing well enough in school that other people could see his worth, see he could grow, see that I was capable of standing with him in his needs. Now that this has happened, I am going to be taking time off writing here so that I can be officially diagnosed, work through a possible trial and error process for ADHD meds and an anxiolytic, and get a therapist to help me try and unpack how all of the things I have acknowledged here have impacted me and work my way through it. In the mean time, I remain grateful for the help and support our family has received and continues to receive. Much love, Ari