Some things changed for Tony on October 17th, the day Whispie died. He had done amazingly well in our vet’s office just 5 days earlier when Dickens, our beloved Catzilla, passed on. I think it was too soon for Tony to be back there after such an emotional scene, too soon for all of us, but Whispie was a year older than Dickens and it was clear that something was going wrong with her. Our little man went absolutely nuclear about 10 minutes into the visit, a full on screaming, pushing as hard as he could to get out of the office meltdown that lasted well over 20 minutes, most of which I spent trying to calm him down outside as he tried to force his way to the car.
When it became clear Tony would not deescalate, our vet very graciously agreed to take care of Whispie while I got Tony home and made arrangements for everyone else in the family to be present. This was the first time he really seemed to connect the full use of his size and strength with an attempt at removing himself from a situation. Needless to say, public therapy work has been a bit intense sometimes since then.
Our public outings can be a lot like fireworks. Sometimes, the launching and timing is perfect, and they are a beautiful and colorful celebration of Tony’s triumphs as he shoots beyond previous barriers. Other times, we are the loud explosion and smoking fire that happens when something goes awry at the launchpad. This week, we’re sharing a little bit of both from recent weeks and what we’re doing to address our more difficult explosions.
Barnes and Noble
Our March attempt through this store with Stephanie and Jennifer was more like the firework that made it off the ground, but exploded too soon. Not a disaster, but still enough low-lying sparks it could cause a fire 😉 We got there a couple of minutes before the store opened, and Tony didn’t understand why we couldn’t go in. He already didn’t want to be there, so he began trying to flee and push away on the spot. We were able to get him inside, he did try to do a lot of dragging, and didn’t want to go where I indicated, and at points he tried to turn Stephanie and Jennifer’s presence into a game of chase. We left once Tony started vocalizing angrily and flopping on the floor to scoot away.
For this store what I have been doing is shorter, more frequent trips with a more highly motivating food item and the metronome. When possible, I try to go when I know there will be fewer customers. I did try their book reservation system thinking it might help if I didn’t have to wander the store looking for what I wanted, but when the item wasn’t actually held in the front where it was supposed to be and we had to wait for someone to walk it up, I decided I’d probably just stick to asking a clerk for help. Waiting in one place is an area Tony has bigger struggles in, he does better if he has a clerk to follow.
Baskin-Robbins
We had full on grand finale fireworks on this outing. For a long time we’ve been working on trips into various shops for ice cream, but there have been issues often with waiting in line, and always when he’s finished eating he has insisted on leaving and we couldn’t get him to stay without causing a scene too disruptive for that environment. As Miss Whitney would say, he typically shows his ice cream “no mercy” and is done with it in less then two minutes, leaving others to finish in the car. On this trip however, Tony handled the line perfectly and we experienced a first: he sat for about 15 minutes after demolishing his own ice cream until everyone was done.
In State Road Trip and Mini Hike
Almost everything about this trip was glitch free. Tony used every public restroom we stopped at and ate in a Burger King. The thorniest issue was that he ended up telling me he needed to go potty on his device about 10 minutes into the trail- the nearest restroom was 30 minutes away. For a typical kiddo his age this would be no big deal, their parents could have them “water” a bush. Tony is unable at this time to comprehend why he could pee on the ground outside and not inside, or even why it would be appropriate outside in some cases and not others, and at this point he will only eliminate on an actual potty anyways. Our little man was able to hold it in until we got back into the nearest town, which is a huge milestone for him. What I ended up doing after this was purchasing a Camco portable flushing toilet from Walmart to start working with him on so that we could take it with us for hiking trips where we are farther away from facilities. I needed something that could flush with water so that it would look more like what he’s used to.
Community Walk Flame Outs
So, these are where most of the scorched wreckage occurred this past month. I spent a spectacularly eye catching half an hour keeping Tony from trying to rush and push his way across the stream of traffic driving in kiddos to a school parking lot a couple of weeks ago. Literally he would try and push me and rush toward the road and I would use my body to block and then gently lift him as he kicked and screamed. I would sit him on the ground to calm down, but once out of my arms he would immediately stand and rush forward again. Basically, he wanted to get to something and I had told him “no,” and he was having some serious impulse control issues. When he gets like this, you pretty much have to either outlast him, or be able to carry him a quarter of a mile or so past the item he wants.
So I started alternating days of walking him past in the stroller and letting him try to walk past the area himself. This helps get him used to a route visually, but I can’t take the stroller when I am planning to have Tony walk because I need both hands free to grab him if he tries to run in front of traffic. The second time on his own two feet the flip out was only about a third as long, but the thing that made my day better was that someone from church stopped her car in the road to ask if I wanted a ride home. We have stopped traffic before and had people slowing to gawk, but no previous roadside offers to help. Thanks A.M. for asking!
I also began frequent reminders to Tony on the mornings he would be walking about how if he starts being able to walk by when I say no on a regular basis, he can ask to go to the area sometimes. The frequency is important because he can’t currently keep things like that in focus for very long. I also stopped him at a picnic table before the area for a snack while continuing to provide reminders…this past week, he walked by the area two times without a single protest.
We also did a community outing with Stephanie, Jennifer, and Miss Whitney to walk past a local park with the intent of telling him “no” so that they could see what both Tony and I have been doing on these little adventures. We had some quieter moments where we were able to try and get Tony to communicate on his device, but a good bit of it was spent managing attempts to flee, rush, push, or lay down in ants. They honestly made my head swell more than it needs to with all of the nice things they said about how I’m handling all of this, and Stephanie says she’s not sure how I do it on my own. I strength train to be able to help and outlast him without either of us getting hurt. Without that, what I do right now in public would not be possible.
Vitamin Shoppe Ka-Boom
I knew Vitamin Shoppe was going to go bad when all of the nearby spaces were taken up and I had to park in front of a fast food joint Tony knows sells french fries. His attempts to flee were so frequent he ended up on my right shoulder as I dropped into squats to pick up my bag and his thrown device. The Vitamin Shoppe clerk totally rocked for helping me chase down our item and for being very cool about everything…I ended up paying with one hand and holding onto Tony’s leg with another as he tried to scoot towards the door on his back. Once we got outside I had to hold him on my lap until he stopped trying to push me towards the restaurant and used his device to ask for fries.
One of the things we have added recently to combat the pushing is to have Tony wait 10 seconds before going into highly preferred areas. I accompany this with frequent “hands off” and “no pushing” reminders. If he touches or pushes, we start the wait over again. Once he’s habituated this, we will start rolling out and encouraging the wait in less desirable areas as well. For such places currently his desire to get where he wants to is stronger then even his most rewarding ABA reinforcer, so my fall back is creating a positive motivator by playing to his love of routine.
Closing Thoughts
Sometimes these outings can feel amazingly rewarding. Other times they are exhausting and can pierce my heart with thorns of worry. This has been an unusual month for me in which I have experienced more offers for help then I typically get in a year. In addition to A.M.’s offer, I had two in Sprouts that touched me deeply, with one fellow customer even going out of her way to help me unload my cart and she helped me to our car. Another shopper on a different day offered to get me a second cart for Tony to ride in, which I turned down because I couldn’t manage both and preferred to just move stuff aside for him, but I was grateful that she saw he was getting a little upset, noticed his size, and wanted to do something kind to help. These were small moments, but they pruned some thorn bushes back and kept lower lying fireworks from starting a wildfire in my day and I am thankful that these three ladies were willing to be more than spectators.
