I got similar feedback on last week’s post from both my hubby and a dear friend from out of state (hey girl!), and while they both agreed on the emotion it evoked, it’s Ms. T’s e-mailed comment that I’d like to speak a bit about this week:
“Well I just read your post: it made me sad I wish there was a solution to that…”
Funny you should mention that 😉 I’m actually thrilled that I managed to touch on a series of events that left me feeling felled and hollowed out for a few years and the end result only evoked sadness. And, I do indeed have a solution of sorts for parts of it: redefining romance.
I assembled last week’s post with broad keystrokes. I aim for enough realism to be understood, and occasionally prefer to leave some specifics to the realm of mystery. Sometimes I describe exactly how my emotions unfolded for an experience, but often I pluck out and place just enough words from my memories to invite each of you to contemplate what you would do in our circumstances. Perhaps the answers would be different, and that’s OK.
I gradually came to realize a couple of years ago that the problem for special occasions like our anniversary was my expectations. Culturally, we live in a community where the prevailing wisdom for relationships posits that a healthy marriage needs regular date nights outside of the house. Sixteen years ago, that was absolutely something I considered to be an essential part of maintaining our marriage as we embarked on this journey together.
You know, a person can leave the house and pay a lot of money for an evening that diminishes, rather than builds, their relationship. I have come to believe over time what matters most is how you treat your partner every day. While my honey does buy me flowers every couple of months, some of the sexiest and most loving things he does are helping me to shop for groceries, washing the dishes, and making sure I have coverage to visit with Gena every week.
In turn, I do what I can to support his needs as expressed to me, write notes in origami hearts, send thinking of you emails while he’s at work, and I try to look as attractive for him as my circumstances are allowing on any given day. Sometimes I send him pictures early in the morning because I know there’s always a good chance I could look like I got drug through my day by the time he gets home from work.
Last Thursday, on our anniversary, we were blessed to have Miss Emily cover us for an hour so that we could have a picnic. This felt like an incredibly luxury, because we don’t often have opportunities to leave the house by ourselves as a couple. We take small moments to ourselves at home as we can watching movies, video clips, playing games- whatever we find meaningful at the time- while the kiddos are asleep, and that is part of how we nourish our bond. Last week we cuddled while watching Pillow Talk, some of Jas Townsends 18th century recipe videos, and a few SNL clips.
In the past, I have taken a bit of umbrage at the words of a couple of well-regarded experts in the field of Autism when they indicated their belief that parents who say they are unable to find anyone to babysit their special needs kiddo so that they could have regular dates outside of the house were just making excuses. I respectfully begged to differ then and I still do so now- I would like to encourage each person who reads my words to withhold making such assumptions when contemplating the circumstances of others.
Andy and I have had a scant handful of tender and treasured moments alone together at bakeries or parks covered by a couple of very special people over the past seven years. I am profoundly grateful for every one of them, but they have been too infrequent to be the magic that holds us together and I can’t make my joy contingent upon their occurrence. Because of this, I have discovered first hand that for parents of children with certain challenges, redefining romance may be their best option. Doing so can allow for both happiness and a flourishing marriage.
And for my honey, Andy, I love you very much. Thank you for all the ways you work your backside off to support me and our family.
Ariana, I completely agree! Romantic means different things in different circumstances to me. When there is low-stress and loads of free time, sure a nice dinner out with my sweetie is great. But in the trenches … it sometimes feels like another obligation I’m unable to fully meet. Romantic then would be my partner looking at my needs (and the family’s needs) and trying to meet them. It would mean feeling like I had a true life PARTNER, not an admirer. Any day of the year I would rather have a partner who truly listens to and works with me than a bouquet of flowers or a romantic dinner out. I also agree with your mother’s day post — I wish mother’s day and father’s day would just go away. It can take an otherwise fine day and make it feel inadequate. Expectations are a powerful thing!
Hi Gena <3 I *love* your distinction between having a partner and an admirer. There is a world of difference between the two, and when children are involved the former is definitely preferable. And I think you are right that when a whole lot of stuff is going down it can feel like an obligation that can add a ton of stress to try and do more formal outings, and in some circumstances it isn't always possible. And when you expect that those things are going to happen and hang a part of your happiness on it, that can become an extra emotional drain. You know, views on marriage are cultural and they change over time. In many places historical and in some places present, marriage was/is seen in a more contractual light where the emotional satisfaction of the couple really wasn't an important consideration. While I definitely am happy to have a very different type of marriage than that, I think some of the things people attribute as necessary to a healthy marriage aren't really. Andy is a great partner and he does a wonderful job of being supportive both to me and our family, and that's worth far more to me than a weekly dinner at a restaurant. Expectations are indeed powerful...sometimes managing them is the best place to start. Thank you for reading and again, I totally loved your insight! <3 Ariana