To Tony
My sweet son, we’ve talked about so many experiences on this blog over the past twenty months. You know I can talk a whole lot, and that even still with all I have written we’ve not even come close to outlining our full story. I know you hear it when people see us in public and say things to me like “I could never do what you do.” And we both know that they aren’t even seeing things at their hardest. I don’t really think what I am doing is all that special and I know people mean well, but I feel so sad when you have to hear those things. Simply put, you are my son and I will always love you, and what I do for you is what I would want someone to try and do for me were some of your more breathtaking challenges mine instead.
I may not be able to pluck their words from your ears or memory, but I want you to know that what I do for both you and your sister comes from love and the joy I feel in being your mom. We all want someone to love us even when things aren’t easy. But more than just love, I feel so much gratitude. Tony, knowing you has made me a better person in so many ways. I judge other people far less than I used to. I recognize I don’t know nearly as much as I once thought I did. I learned that some of the priorities I used to have were pretty shallow and nowhere near as important as showing honest love for those around you every single day. Even when you unwittingly destroyed things I was very attached to, I had to learn that the real value in my life wasn’t in what I own, but rather how I live.
How I live is far from perfect. I’m doing the best I can, but we both know I make mistakes that I never mean to sometimes. I’ve been held hostage by runaway perfectionism for years…and falling short all 43 years of my life. You may read this some day many years from now and think I got some things wrong about your perspective, or wonder why I shared certain things. If that day should come, you will get every opportunity you want to correct me as publicly as you feel necessary. I want you to know when I discuss tough things on our blog, it is with the hope of creating possible resources for other parents of such special children. I also hope it will help others when they see not just you, but others with similar challenges, to not only understand more about why something is happening, but also to recognize our shared humanity.
Tony, thank you for seeing me as someone you can trust to keep you safe even when perfection is light years away from what I accomplish. Thank you for loving me even when I push you to grow in some way you’d rather not. Thank you for breaking my personality flaws down and building me back up into something kinder and more patient. Thank you for being yourself and teaching me what unapologetic self-confidence in your own interests can look like. You don’t care who sees you watching Barbie or Tinkerbell- you like what you like without shame or reservations. You have changed my world in numerous ways, but I remain deeply grateful for what you have brought to my life, Tony- always and forever.
Some Reading To Consider
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time, by Mark Haddon
This novel with it’s Autistic protagonist was published a little more than sixteen years ago. The main character, Christopher, has what some would describe as Asperger Syndrome and would therefore be considered much higher functioning than our sweet son, who has what I have come to recognize as the kind of Autism much of society is less comfortable (and familiar) with. I personally define that as an individual with challenges that deviate the farthest from societal norms, such as the unwholesome habit of attempted redecorating with what should only be a gift to the sewers or considerable self-harming. However, there are a couple of individuals from Christopher’s school with such challenges briefly mentioned.
With Christopher as the narrator, you get his unfiltered perspective on a number of things (including his classmates). As many individuals and experts within the Autism community have noted, there are a multitude of differences in how Autism presents in each unique person. But I still felt like much of the way this character’s thought processes meandered around spinning the story provides an opportunity to view the world of someone who can still be his own hero without coming from a more traditional mold.
On the surface, this book starts out as a detective mystery. Generally I try hard not to dissect plot-lines, because again, I do know that reflections on that are quite subjective. However, I will say that there were a couple “forks” in the road I absolutely did not see coming…and I adore that in a book. I will also say that I am grateful I checked out the digital version from the library: there are some illustrations used in the story as a “like this” descriptor- but not written out in as much detail in the text. I think those parts on an audio book might be a bit more confusing.
What I will say I feel is equally important to read as a companion to this book is a reflection on the novel written by the author himself. I am including a link below. I think Mr. Haddon is absolutely spot on to caution over-generalizing Christopher’s traits to all Autistic individuals. Like many novels, it can provide a window of understanding but at the end of the day remains fiction.
The article link:
https://www.penguin.co.uk/articles/2015/mark-haddon-on-the-origins-of-the-curious-incident/
