When I was a little girl, I used to eagerly look forward to Christmas. Holidays where gifts were given were one of the few times I got toys or anything new that felt special or exciting. And even then, because my parents were pretty darn poor, my grandparents and great aunts and uncles often still gave me more mundane (albeit useful/necessary) items such as socks and sweaters.
I am now at my 44th Christmas, and the gifts that bring light to my heart now are the warm and loving relationships in my life. The tender kindness of a friend who sought to leave cheer on my doorstep in the early evening hours. The thoughtfulness of my sweetheart of many happy years now bringing me home a bundle of flowers because he knows I love them- but never so much as I love him. A friend who loved me enough to call, and then showed she loved me even more by letting me get back to a rare Christmas Eve nap.
You know, we all have different things that help us feel loved during the holidays, and that can certainly change over time (Hannah for instance, wanted spending money to shop for herself this year and that’s perfectly ok!). However we handle those sorts of things, many of us still do have a common bond of gift giving and accepting at Christmas time. But not all of us want that.
I am often asked what Tony would like for Christmas, or what we are getting him. And the truth is, Tony doesn’t really want gifts. Sometimes I feel like I’m giving him things just because it’s a tradition that everyone expects. For all of the ways we ask Tony to accept changes and things he doesn’t want, sometimes I think acceptance from us needs to be a gift we give in return.
Acceptance that he doesn’t really want all of this stuff. If he had his wish, almost all of his toys (therapy or otherwise) would vanish into a donation box and never come back. Acceptance that he doesn’t like removing wrapping paper and he doesn’t see the point in using gift bags. Acceptance that he really feels overwhelmed by lots of gifts at the holidays. Acceptance that he knows if he really wants something, we’ll get it for him anyways and he only has to ask.
But of course, I am going to hang on to each therapy toy for as long as they are needed because I have a long term view of the ways those could certainly benefit him. But I ask for each of you this year in Tony’s extended family to give him and any other individual on the Autism spectrum who may be feeling the same way he does the gift of acceptance. Accepting that sometimes, we don’t need to ask Tony to change his personal feelings or wants about and during the holidays to fit in with anybody’s personal traditions, to help him feel like we accept that it’s ok for him to not personally enjoy the same things.
Acceptance that some day, he may express a wish to not even personally celebrate Christmas at all for himself. He does really like to look at the lights, but that may be the only thing he ever really develops an affection for when it comes to this or any other holiday that comes with such displays.
And, just a brief note before I officially wrap this post up, to keep my holiday schedule more flexible, next week’s post will also go up on a Thursday (though a bit earlier in the day), and then I’ll be returning to Friday posts the week after.
I wish each and every one of you a happy day tomorrow…whatever that means or looks like to you personally.
