For the past few weeks, decorations have begun pushing up through the soil and fluttering around the tree branches of one home after another in our neighborhood. When I was younger, I can’t remember anyone beginning to decorate for Halloween so early. And I know that for some of you, the upcoming week may already be including a Halloween-themed get-together or other seasonal celebrations.
When I was a very young child, I wore costumes for Halloween that were usually encouraged or picked out by relatives. Unless one of my great-aunts or great-uncles did the purchasing, this involved raiding my mom’s old hippie wardrobe from the ‘60’s and seeing what I could modulate into some sort of fairy princess gear. I definitely liked getting free candy, and wearing these costumes was a chance to be creative while filling up a pillowcase with treats I didn’t typically have access to.
When Hannah was young, we got costumes for her every year. She thrived on this, and having rather strong opinions from an early age, has chosen her own outfits every year since she was two. This year is no exception.
When Tony was a baby, for his very first Halloween I picked out the cutest, softest dragon costume for him to wear. I loved the feel of the synthetic crushed velvet underneath my fingertips, and knowing how much Tony already seemed to prefer soft textures, I felt joyful in my choice for him. That was the very last time he contentedly wore a factory made costume.
By the time the next Halloween rolled around, we had already experienced the bursting of the flood gates that brought a deluge of sensory related challenges. I was still trying to make sure I provided my kiddos with the same experiences if possible, though. Our little man already showed a love of Barney, so I found him a purple dinosaur costume that I thought would seem familiar enough for him that he could enjoy it. Holy cow was I ever wrong.
He screamed, he cried, he frantically tried to tug it off, and then he began to panic. He was so distressed, I removed it immediately. I was recovering from surgery that year at Halloween time, so I didn’t get to experience how terrified Tony would be by the visually overwhelming decorations at some houses, the lines of people walking by while trick or treating, or the noises and people at our church sponsored party.
In that moment, I wasn’t entirely sure what he found objectionable about the dino getup. The list of suspect causes in retrospect was enormous. Could it have been the pretend component? He really doesn’t understand pretend things or have any desire to imitate them for the people around him. Because of his sensory differences, most likely there was more than that to blame. Was it the smell (Halloween costumes tend to smell different from everyday wear fabrics)? The texture? The sound of the Velcro closures? The fact that there was a hood and he had developed an intolerance for anything resting on or pressing into his scalp? In all of these areas his nervous system processes things very differently, and these elements feel very different in often unpleasant ways to him.
I thought perhaps for the year after if I picked a costume that looked more like his usual clothes (I went with a ninja) that he might do better with it. I coaxed him in that one time, when he wore it for our church party- where I spent most of the evening walking him around the outskirts away from everyone else so Hannah could get to experience the event. Tony was too scared to go any closer.
When I brought the ninja garb out for Halloween night, he became instantly hysterically and refused to let me put it on him. The very sight of it seemed to signal that he was going to be around people, sounds, and noises he would rather avoid. Our sweet son ended up wearing his own clothes while Andy took him around the block with Hannah in a stroller (from which he refused to disembark). Looking back, the fabric, the closures, and the smell were still different from his typical clothing- and he probably felt like that on top of everything else was just too much to deal with.
The next year I had what I thought was a brilliant idea. I decided I was going to paint him a top that would allow him to wear something that seemed like his regular clothes. I ordered a pumpkin hued shirt from the website I used to do my on-line shopping at and puff painted a quick design on it. I washed the shirt to deal with any smells, and I showed it to our little man before he ever had to wear it. And wear it happily he did, for Halloween and for a few months after that until it was outgrown.
There were people we encountered who found this to be odd. When you have a kiddo with special needs, the people around you can become very solicitous of his or her welfare, scrutinizing any perceived difference between what you do for that child and any of your other children. Some even conclude that the kiddo in question is being denied and deprived of appropriate opportunities, even when these differences are actually in the child’s best interest. You know, it’s great that people are so concerned.
However, the only thing I’m removing from Tony’s life every Halloween is something causing him distress. And, although we try to find ways to help him attempt to trick or treat, he actually really isn’t interested in that experience either and he hates most of the candy that gets passed out anyways.
Should he ever want a costume, he can have one. Currently, nothing has changed about his views on them and this year he’ll be wearing a skeleton shirt I bought from Target on a public therapy outing. Many grown ups wear these types of shirts as a winking attempt at a costume, and that is in fact where I got the idea from.
If you see a kiddo showing up at your Halloween functions or on your doorstep in their regular clothes, or even in a seemingly generic holiday themed t-shirt, I would plead with you to remember that there may be a great many things about their lives and experiences you are unaware of. So many individuals have different needs, there really isn’t a one size fits all approach to these situations. Except perhaps, to show them the joy of the season by offering them a smile and a piece of candy and leaving it at that.
