There is so much rushing, so much. My thoughts have always whirled in a rapid-fire dance across my mental stage, but life has become busier even than that. So many appointments, so many therapy sessions, so much school transition work, so much of everything. Sometimes I feel like I am hurled forward so fast I can’t even find myself on my own schedule or in my own life. Even when it’s an appointment for myself (like the OB appointment where we discussed alternate treatment options for my uterine lesion and landed on a different treatment plan that was something less invasive than a hysterectomy).
Sometimes I wish I could find the version of myself that gets to do something fun, playful, luxuriously ignorant of a to-do list as I gluttonously squander time on a regular basis.
So yesterday I did that. Mostly. I read. But I still needed to support Emily’s therapy session in terms of being her blocker for the community safety portion (no blocking needed however, our little man was on his very best and most fabulous behavior). And I did some cleaning. I cleaned and straightened a little (maybe way too little), played a little piano. Remembered that I hadn’t come up with a title for my latest poem.
Yeah, it’s still as I’m typing this currently an “untitled by Ariana” poem.
It is the hush, the pale
the frosted heart’s cry.
And in the silence a seed
that grows to only dream
to breath, to live,
to break upon the fire.
To the loneliness self-wed
a veil of ashes hones
the desires that screaming conspire
to fit the ring to bone.
I still don’t have time to title it. There it sits, as I type this feeling the urgency of getting out to our next therapy task that is currently tapping on my mental schedule, reminding me it’s filled the next slot on that dance card. And on it goes, on and on. But I still did my make up, had to ignore some other pressing thing to be done just to take that little bit of time for me, to dream and to believe that soon I can find more of me inked into my schedule for more than just medical appointments or makeup.
