To be the mother of a child with profound disabilities is in many cases to wobble precariously along a thin ledge comprised of a great many sacrifices while trying not to completely loose yourself, yet feeling as if some days are still spent in free fall, searching for the person you could have been or wanted to be if things had happened differently. This past November, I sat down and pondered a far ranging list of what I currently wanted for myself that I considered to be doable. I examined my heart for each item on this list and asked myself what resonated most with my desires and nature, what would most provoke regrets if left undone.

As we have seen a reduction in Tony’s more physical behavioral challenges, I added a couple of items to the list that I knew would be by far the easiest to accomplish. Sometimes I like to tackle easier items on a goal list because it primes my system for success, and this is what I did here. Very few of the people reading this post will know this, but I had my nose pierced for five years, between the ages of 18 and 23. I loved my nose ring as it resonates deeply with my own personal aesthetic, but that type of piercing is not considered acceptable in our former church, so I had to remove it when I joined.

When I resigned my membership to that church, I was able to put back in all of my ear piercings, but the hole for my nose post had healed shut. I always preferred a dainty and more minimal stud there, so I imagine such a small hole didn’t stand a chance against such a moist environment and the encouragement of so many years. At the time, I considered a re-piercing, but felt like the level of support Tony still needed would have come with an increased risk of damage to the piercing or the nose. So I waited.

As I was trawling through the desires of my heart, that item easily floated to the surface. I knew our little man had progressed to the point where it could be safely and successfully managed. One other item was written above it: get a navel piercing. This item I never had, but always wanted. When I was younger, I cowered to all of the voices that got in my head telling me I was too big of a girl for that kind of piercing. And now, I’m a middle aged woman who experienced kidney failure and 5-6 pounds a day of fluid retention at the end of my only viable pregnancy. The fluid was packing on so fast, my skin was ripping and tearing in multiple places.

The skin on my stomach couldn’t be more trashed and I have no doubts how poorly our society views it in terms of attractiveness. And I really don’t care any more to listen to that. Nor do I have any space in my heart for arguments based on someone else’s version of what constitutes piety. Those may be someone else’s beliefs, and I can respect and honor someone’s rights to choose that for themselves, but those are not my beliefs. Thus, I will not defer to them in the choices I make for myself- nor do I consider myself morally less than for believing and choosing differently. This list is not, after all, a list for what makes other people happy- it is a list for what my heart wants in collaboration with my personal beliefs on morality and the divine.

So, last Friday, Hannah and I headed off to a local body piercing shop. I wasn’t sure if the extra skin I had on my stomach would prevent me from being a good candidate for a navel piercing, so I picked a shop that has a reputation for turning away naval piercings on the basis of anatomy that wouldn’t support long-term healing. My heart is still humming and glowing! I am thrilled to have my nose ring back, and I am enraptured with the belly button ring. Truly it is the piercing of my dreams, the sparkle of those crystal beads is meant to please my gaze.

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If there is one thing more my heart could get connected to these piercings, it would be an overall societal difference in perspective as regards to the changes that can happen to a woman’s body as part of birth. None of us would be here without the sacrifices and sustaining life given and nourished in the body of a woman. I am not a woman prone to exhibitionist displays of my body, but I know very well if I wore a crop top in public exactly the type of shaming I could expect someone to possibly use in an attempt to modify my behavior and personal views of my body. I think rather we should honor these changes when they happen as we would honor any injury sustained in a battle, and not settle them as matters that effectively erase a woman’s perceived attractiveness. Or better yet, let us maybe define attractiveness as a matter of character and personality. Every last scar, every last fold of excess skin, was worth it because that was part of what it took to bring Hannah safely into the world, and it will forever be worth it to me.

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Some things that my heart could have wanted as I wrote out that list seemed too far out of reach because they involve the combined choices of two, which seemingly placed them beyond grasping because of my perception of what the other person wanted. This past week gave my heart something far more precious than piercings, and it is a tender and unexpected joy. My sister and I have been estranged for many years now, though I will not be resurrecting my perspective on those happenings for any sort of blogging postmortem examination. I will stand vigil on that past with my keyboard and a metaphorical shovel because what my heart wants is peace and healing, and not anybody else trying to expose those happenings to their own opinions as regards to either of us.

This past Monday, she reached out to me and sent me a message on Etsy of all places, and I honor her for doing so. Those of you close to me know I keep a low profile on the internet in terms of my full name. But I had reviewed one item I had purchased on Etsy and it linked to my full name, which is how she found me there, and she was hoping that account would be linked to my current e-mail. I was crying so hard Andy thought someone had died, but truly, it is a happiness that sheds words like crusty scabs, having become superfluous, concealing what glows with new healing below.

Eowyn was gracious enough to send me a picture yesterday when I asked her permission to briefly introduce her to the family and friends here. She is smart and funny, and it means the world to me that we are back in contact. I have always, always loved you so much Eowyn, and a relationship with you is always something my heart wants. Thank you for giving my heart a gift that eclipses everything else on that list.

Some other things on the list I wrote will take more time to actualize. I have career goals, personal growth goals, social goals. Goals that my heart wants, and goals that my heart plans to get. I don’t believe in making New Year’s resolutions per se, I tend to make goals and evaluate them as desired, hence, this list was crafted a couple of months ago. But being able to start off the New Year by giving my heart some things it really wanted feels so amazing, I can’t wait to cross other items off as the year beats on.